Tuesday, March 31, 2015

Hitting the wall

Well, I'm done. It's hard to stay motivated when your short/long term goal has been met. 28 week is a great "out of the danger zone" time period. Unfortunately, I have also lost all interest in being here, so I keep thinking, "if she comes now, it'll be fine!" Which only makes life more frustrating.

What I need to remember is that even with an over 90% survival chance, 28 weeks is still 12 weeks early! So, it's not okay if she comes now, I know that. The most annoying thing to hear from nurses and friends/family trying to be supportive is "the longer she's in there, the better!" As if I don't know this. I never said my emotions were correlated to my logic. I think I am still allowed to be sad/frustrated by being a brain dead incubator for my daughter. Of COURSE I want her to stay in as long as possible, but when she comes, even if she is early, I will still be relieved to get out of here.

Trying to hang in there, but I am so sick of eating, (although fresh baked cookies are on my Pinterest board like crazy now), tired of laying down, tired of tv, tired of not going HOME with my boys and going back to normal. Had a mini-breakdown on Sunday. I'm super lonely since they took away the CNAs. No one comes in my room except every 4-5 hours. I get visitors, but I'm awake 17 hours and people visiting takes up maximum of 3 hours.

I got so bored on Friday that I cut my hair. I remembered (inaccurately) that I had cut my hair short in college once, and it came out pretty good. What I forgot was that had I simply altered a haircut a professional had already given me. I was going for a Ginnifer Goodwin look...

...And instead ended up having to make a short, bob-ish, cut to hide some horrible, Britney-Spears-psychotic-episode that occurred in the back at the beginning.

I think I did a good job of covering up something hideous... I should be a politician! Haha. Okaaaay... The nice thing is, if I wasn't plastering it all over the web, I could hide my hair in the hospital until it grows out again!

I am now very aware of how much muscle mass I have already lost. My entire body is sore from sitting in a chair to cut my hair for an hour and a half... The recovery from bed rest and C-section is going to be grrrrrreat.

...I wrote most of this on Sunday night/Monday morning. It's Tuesday now and I feel better, but still aware of the fragility of emotions under the surface. Too little sleep or human interaction could probably cause another bad day, but I'll stick it out. I have to. Got some sewing scraps brought from home, so that with Pinterest ideas on how to use fat quarters has kept me semi-entertained. Hopefully for longer than a few days. Thinking of starting a felt quiet book for my son, all the warnings on the tutorials say "this takes a lot of time and energy, beware!" Sounds like exactly what I need :)

Just had my ultrasound, fluid levels are up slightly, but again, not really caring about that anymore, it seems so inconsistent and inaccurate. No weight reading for another 2 weeks, so we'll see then. Hoping she is on par and 2.25 lb at this time.

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